Dear Novelists, Stop Spelling Like This:

Clyde Arnold

One hardly needs to read many books to reach this literary method at some point. For some unfathomable reason, it has been universally determined that when a character in a novel wishes to spell out a word, say, in the context of a spelling bee, one would write "C-A-T" to use the word "cat" for an example. The problem here might not seem apparent until it is indicated that "C-A-T" reads the same as "CAT". A reader will generally skip over the hyphens and merely read the letters' phonetic sounds as if they were part of a word and not read out the name of each one. This is not how the dialog is meant to sound. Therefore, we have devised a plan. To make the readers read out the name of each letter, we at James Morgen Tech have carefully constructed this new alphabet, where each letter is spelled accurately. Now, if a character were in the previously described hypothetical situation, an author could write, "See Ay Tee". These are the official United States recognised spellings. Unauthorized spellings will result in your US Census records being wiped clean of any mention of English proficiency and the revocation of any English degrees you may have had.