Gen Alpha Reviews Super Mario 64

pepperoni gustavo

[DISCLAIMER: a real gen alpha doesnt have the attention span to leave youtube shorts]

I was pirating games that steal my data on my crusty smudged Ipad for free and I found Super Mario 64 somewhere. After 2 minutes or 127 Youtube Shorts scrolled through, it downloaded and I finished the first floor. Here is my totally honest and fair review of the game in my own opinion (which is always right).

Mario 64 is awful. When I first booted in the game, there were no Family Guy clips, satisfying TikToks or gameplay of Subway Surfers. I was immediately dissatisfied and shut the game off. Two months later, I came back and finished the intro cutscene where I became bored once again due to the lack of music and overall substance. There were absolutely no hints where to go and it took me another 2 months to finally get inside the giant looming

castle that was in front of me the entire time. Already, this game is outdated and boring, having not enough skibidi rizz to put in tutorial at all and assuming that the player would already be a mastermind at the game before touching it. Fortunately, I became fixated on the game after I put a Youtube video over my screen. It took me around an hour before I learned that the numbered star doors indicate that I need that many stars to open and the key doors need keys to open. I finally got into the first level, Bomb-omb Battlefield, and soon realized how bad the game looks! There is absolutely no realism at all within this game and it looks horrific! The textures were a terribly low quality and the polygonal aesthetic the game is going for is saddening. The music is also outdated too, along with the sound effects in general. I was so creeped out by this first level that I almost went back to playing Roblox and Fortnite, but I stayed strong. As I made my way up King Bomb-omb’s mountain, I fell off many times and died quite a bit. I restarted a total of 8 times before I made my encounter with the first boss of the game and he was a real toughie. This boss is extremely hard and I hope that the creators update the game soon so that he’s nerfed. It was here when I started experiencing the Ipad withdrawals. There wasn’t enough entertainment at once and my pulse went flat.

When I got back from the hospital, my Dad suggested we go outside and play some catch, so I quickly grabbed my Ipad, locked myself in my room and started playing Mario 64 again. I made my older brother do the fight for me and I progressed onto the first slide level. This level was extremely hard as Mario was sliding at a staggering speed while the player had to steer him out of the way. I became angry, started screaming, started crying and cracked my Ipad. My mom told me to quiet down a bit and to stop saying all those slurs, but I proceeded and beat the slide. Being on my sigma male grindset allowed me to defeat the other boss, King Whomp (with the help of my older brother), do an even harder ice slide, deliver a baby penguin with more slide physics, outrace a very very very very quick koopa, take the painstakingly difficult challenge of climbing to the top of Whomp’s Fortress and challenge my brain to an expert level puzzle in Jolly Roger Bay. Overall, I threw quite a few tantrums and was taken to hyperventilation with the puzzle. 

For the early game, Super Mario 64 is one of the most challenging games I’ve ever played, but that doesn’t make it fun. The only reason I was able to stay fixated on it was because of the Youtube Shorts played over, which is not a problem with me, but the game. The controls are clunky and the physics do not match with Roblox. I wish there were guns to defeat the difficult enemies (goombas) and I think there needs to be an easy mode. Also, The slide shenanigans are way too crammed together at the start and so are the boss fights. King Bomb-omb was too hard because he always threw me off and King Whomp is a terribly designed boss because the player needs to put in too many control inputs! For a much better platforming game, I recommend Escape McDonalds Obby on Roblox, because it is fun for everyone!!!